


The Koopas go to the Doctor

by Hip_Neptune



Category: Super Mario & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Idk this is weird, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-10 22:56:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20143378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hip_Neptune/pseuds/Hip_Neptune
Summary: My submission for Koopa Week (8/4–8/11)! Bowser forces the seven Koopalings to go to the doctor for check-ups, physicals and vaccinations. But knowing the seven Koopalings' personalities, this won't be a typical visit.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> NOTES: It's a tradition for me to do a submission every Bowser Day (8/4) ever since I heard of the concept back in 2002 as a submitter on Koopatorivm, Lemmy's Land and other fansites (all defunct now, unfortunately), but I was too busy to do one yesterday. Stories like We Didn't Start Invasions in 2018 and Exploding Bricks written in 2017 (although the latter was held up due to laziness mainly) are some of my tradition 8/4 story submissions, so it'd feel weird to skip it out this year. Good thing that Koopalings Week (8/5-11) is going on now, and what better way to celebrate than with a wacky story with seven wacky (but amiable) personalities?
> 
> I'll be updating every day (with one coming later today) until the 11th. I hope you enjoy!

Bowser and the Koopalings pack the family doomship, each getting the final preparations to get officially accepted into Dark Land Charter School. After obtaining their supplies, their parking passes and their lockers, only two things remain: their medical physicals and their up-to-date vaccination records.

"I don't wanna go to the Doctor!" Wendy threw a tantrum.

"The doctor scares me! His needles hurt!" Lemmy cried.

"Yeah, Dad!" Morton added, "Do you know how many of those drugs cause cancer?!"

"None of zem, imbecile," Ludwig said as he puts his book down, "Zat's all conspiracies and lies."

"No! It isn't! Vaccines are how we're controlled!" Morton argued.

Ludwig rolls his eyes as he returns to his book.

"I'm actually excited!" Iggy squealed, "I love the doctor! The medicines taste great!"

"Why doesn't Junior have to go?" Larry mumbled.

"Because Junior's too young for school!" Bowser shouted, "You're all going, and that's that! Anyone who doesn't go to the doctor will get NO dinner and a trip to the dungeon!"

"Oh no. A place vhere I can read in peace and quiet, avay from zese halfvits. I'm so intimidated, Fazzer," Ludwig sneered at the threat, rolling his eyes.

"Not the dungeon!" Larry, Wendy, Morton and Lemmy cried. Roy only grunts, while Iggy bursts into laughter.

"Then behave!"

The four complainers oblige, although complaining amongst each other. Bowser sighs; they're not even there, and he already knows this will be a long day.

Ten minutes later, Bowser pulls into the hospital and drags the seven kids into the lobby. He seats each of them in the waiting room's chair—although Lemmy rushes towards the play area—before going to the receptionist's desk.

"Sir, I'll need some paperwork done. This will establish your kids' medical records," the receptionist stated, "Let's start with your youngest. What's his full name and date of birth?"

Bowser nodded, "Okay. The name is Lawrence Koopa. Birthdate of August 5, 1986."

"Got it," the receptionist stated, "Any special information about Lawrence that the doctor should know?"

Bowser looks at Larry, who's sitting on the chair, smiling innocently at his father. Perhaps, a tad TOO innocent.

"Uhh," Bowser shivered, "No."

"Okay!" the receptionist continued, "Next child?"

"Morton Koopa Junior. Birthdate of December 14, 1985. Even if he's prescribed drugs, Morton won't take them out of fear of some mind-control crazy belief."

"Got him," the receptionist smiled, "Next?"

"My daughter, Gwendolyn Orlean Koopa. She goes by Wendy. Birthdate of May 18, 1985. She's athletic; she likes to swim and is planning on joining the swim team at her school."

"She will receive a physical from the doctor then," the receptionist stated, "Next?"

"Ignatius Koopa. Birthdate of September 27, 1984. He has some insanity issues."

"Good to know! Next?"

"Roy Koopa. Birthdate of May 18, 1982. He's joining the football team. He can be…" Bowser looks back at Roy, who's with Lemmy in the play area. There, he snatches the office-supplied Axem Rangers action figures from a sobbing Lemmy and beheads them. Bowser stares wide-eyed at the receptionist before croaking, "… Aggressive at times, and uncooperative. He also doesn't like talking, just as a heads up."

"Okay, he'll have a physical by the doctor too. He even has the same birthday as his sister. That's cool!"

"Yeah, coincidence…" Bowser groaned, "Want the next?"

"I'm ready."

"Lemmy Koopa. Born on December 11, 1981. Nothing extra to add about him."

"Okay, that's six. Who's the last?" The receptionist questioned.

"That will be Ludwig von Koopa. Born October 26, 1981. Nothing special to add either."

The receptionist types in the last of the data before hitting Enter. She smiles at Bowser before replying, "Got them all. Doctor Bolstad will be out soon. Thank you, Bowser!"

Bowser smiles as he sits in the waiting room with his rambunctious kids. His smile drops as he notices Wendy throwing a tantrum over having her bow stolen—in which Larry hides behind his shell—Morton telling horror stories about needles to a wailing Lemmy, Roy stabbing the beheaded Axem Rangers action figures with his claws, and Iggy attempting to make inventions from a cart full of medical tools.

"Oh great DAD..." Bowser sighed as he sits by Ludwig, who remains too engrossed in a book to care for anything around him, "What did I just sign us up to do…"

All Ludwig responds with is a page turn.


	2. Wendy

Bowser cusps his hand over his forehead as his kids continue their activities. Larry threw back Wendy's bow to her—one less event the king must deal with. Wendy was about to start a commotion with her younger brother, but a koopa nurse steps out of the doctor's area.

"Gwendolyn Koopa?"

The female koopa perks as she approaches the nurse, frowning.

"Hi there!" the nurse responded, "Follow me."

Wendy follows the nurse until they approach the doctor's exam room. The nurse tells the koopaling to sit on the exam chair, which she does.

"Okay, Doctor Bolstad will be on his way. Just hang on tight!"

Wendy waits on the exam chair until about five minutes later, a red-shelled koopa donning a scrubs and a white coat enters the room. The koopa slaps on some gloves before he pulls out a stool and sits near Wendy.

"Good morning, Wendy! I'm Doctor Bolstad!"

"Uh, hi," Wendy responded.

"First, I need to check your vitals."

"Vitals?"

The doctor nods, "I need to measure your blood pressure first."

"Uhh, okay."

The doctor gets up from the stool and wraps a blood pressure monitor strap around Wendy's arm. He compresses it until it's wrapped tight around Wendy's arm.

"UGH! It's SO tight!" the koopaling whined, "Get it off me or I'll throw the BIGGEST TANTRUM EVER!"

"Please calm down, so I can get an accurate reading," the doctor requested.

Wendy sighs and takes in a few deep breaths. The doctor looks at the number and jots down the data.

"You're 85 over 55," the doctor stated, "That's pretty low actually, although nothing medically serious. It might be from all the swimming you do."

"Whatever," Wendy rushed, "What now, so I can leave this smelly place."

"I need to check your eyes for any sign of disease, such as cataracts, diabetes or others," Dr. Bolstad stated, ignoring the insult to his exam room, "Lean forward for me please."

As Wendy leans forward, Dr. Bolstad grabs his ophthalmoscope and points the light into her eyes. He Looks into her pupils; no retinal damage. Likewise, her irises appear normal and her corneas are clear.

"Thank you. Everything's great regarding your sight," the doctor smiled, "Now, please step on that scale over there-"

"EXCUSE ME?!" Wendy shouted, "You NEVER ask a woman about her weight!"

"This is for medical purpose-"

"I don't care if it's for curing cancer! You NEVER intrude on a woman's personal info!"

"Please, just get on the scale so I can clear you for-"

Wendy kicks Dr. Bolstad in the shin before dashing out of the exam room, fuming.

"OW!" Dr. Bolstad cried, "Wendy! Come back! You need your vaccination too!"


	3. Roy

* * *

Back in the waiting room, Lemmy, Iggy and Roy are in the play area, while the rest of the koopas sit half-asleep in their chairs. They see an angry Wendy storm out from the door.

"First, he called me fat! And then, he asked for my WEIGHT!" Wendy screamed, "Can you believe the nerve of that guy?!"

"Wendy, darling," Bowser sighed, "That's for medical reasons-"

"I don't care! I don't want my weight to be out there!"

"All medical data are confidential, as required by our laws," Bowser informed.

"I don't care!"

Bowser sighs before resting one of his temples on his palm. Why did he do this?

Not long after, the nurse comes out of the door, smiling as she calls out the next name.

"Roy Koopa?" she called, "Come on back."

The strong koopaling grunts as he follows the nurse back into the exam room, the beheaded ranger figures still in hand. The nurse tells Roy to wait for the doctor before seating him on the exam chair. With the nurse gone, Roy chucks the action figures at the doctor's computer before folding his arms over his chest.

"Hello, Roy-" Dr. Bolstad greeted before seeing the rangers on his computer desk, "Ack! I got those Axem Ranger action figures from my son! Did you destroy these?"

Roy ignores the doctor and still stares into space past him, arms still folded.

"Oh, you're a quiet one," Dr. Bolstad sighed, "Great. I need to measure your vitals. I'll be wrapping this blood pressure monitor around your arm, okay? Please relax your arm."

Again, Roy ignores the doctor and continues folding his arms. The doctor sighs again before wrapping the cuff around Roy's bicep, where the cuff barely fits over the koopaling's bulging muscles.

"That's too high of a reading," Dr. Bolstad dismissed the test before unstrapping the band, "Whatever. Please get on the scale, Roy. I need to get your weight."

Roy remains seated on the exam chair, unmoving.

"Please don't make this more difficult than it should be, Roy," Dr. Bolstad groaned before pushing a button, "Fine. I'll measure your weight from the chair. Hmm… 461 pounds and 17 percent body fat; you could lose a little weight. I recommend eating more lean meats rather than the fatty cuts. Supplement those with veggies. You're extremely fit though; keep up the great work. Any questions?"

No reply from Roy.

"Okay then… Your height now..." The doctor states as he measures Roy. As the koopaling's still seated, he measures from Roy's head to his thigh; 5 feet 1 inch. His legs are probably another foot and a half, "Fine. Around 6 feet 7 inches."

Roy grunts—the first sign of life the doctor saw from him.

"Welcome to reality! Now our records show that you need your up-to-date vaccination on Kooptitis. You're in luck; we require a flexed arm for this one."

Dr. Bolstad grabs an alcohol wipe and wipes Roy's right arm with it. He places a syringe in a vaccine bottle and sucks some of the liquid into it, and after wiping off residue, the doctor inserts the syringe into Roy's scales. The koopaling didn't even budge.

"Man, that's the easiest vaccination I ever gave," Dr. Bolstad muttered under his breath, "Okay, now I need to check your eyes for any illnesses, such as glaucoma or diabetes. I love your sunglasses, but you must remove them for this."

As Dr. Bolstad grabs an ophthalmoscope, Roy doesn't move an inch. The doctor sighs; is this a statue? Nonetheless, he must take things into his own hands. He reaches for Roy's sunglasses, but the koopaling grabs the doctor's forearm and twists it before he pulls the doctor's frightened face within inches from his.

"You never, ever touch my shades, lil' punk," Roy growled before nodding towards the beheaded, stabbed action figures, "Or I'll do to you what I did to dem."

"O-o-o-okay," the doctor gasped, "Please let go!"

Roy lets go of the doctor and stomps out of the room, declaring himself done with the physical.

"Man…" Dr. Bolstad sighed as he ices his sore arm, "What did I get myself into… There's really five of them left?"


	4. Morton

Bowser looks up as Roy thunders out the door and stomps towards the waiting room area. Without speaking a word, the koopaling plops down on the chair, although he appears agitated. Bowser sighs; he knows by Roy's behavior that he did something to the doctor, and he's afraid to find out what.

Can this day get any worse?

"Morton Koopa?"

"I'm here!" Morton zooms towards the nurse. The nurse smiles as she leads Morton to the same exam room Roy and Wendy were in. He notices the destroyed Axem Rangers action figures and cringes.

"Hello, Morton… It's Morton, right?" Dr. Bolstad greeted.

"Yep! That's me!" Morton stated, "Nice to meet you!"

Dr. Bolstad smiled, "You're much better and more mannered than your brother and sister were."

"They creep me out, honestly," Morton replied, "Wendy's too loud and it hurts my ears! And Roy destroys all my stuff!"

"I've experienced both," the doctor sighed as he eyes the action figures, "But let's get started with your vitals. Please relax your arm so I can get an accurate reading.

Morton relaxes his arm, and the doctor wraps the blood pressure monitor around it.

"Your blood pressure's a tad high; 120 over 90. That's borderline hypertension, I'm afraid," the doctor stated, "I recommend you do some cardio workouts so it can be lower, but always ease into them. Also, watch out for cholesterol, sodium and saturated fats such as fatty meats; instead, eat more unsaturated fats, such as nuts or oils, and potassium such as potatoes or bananas."

"I like walking. Does that count?"

_'Wow, one of these kids is actually taking my advice!'_ the doctor thought before nodding, "Yes, Morton. Do a brisk walk for at least 30 minutes every day, and your blood pressure should stabilize or even lower. I can also prescribe you some medication if conditions don't improve."

Morton nods, "Sounds good."

"Now, I want to take your weight. Please get on the scale over there."

Morton obliges and steps on the scale, where he weighs 517 pounds and an estimated 21 percent body fat.

"Uhh, I'm the largest in my family," Morton mentioned, "And I'm the tallest."

The doctor nods, "Let's measure your height… Umm, 6 feet, 10 inches. You're not terribly overweight and you're nowhere near obese, but I recommend substituting fatty meats for lean meats, such as ostro. Ostro will help prevent hypertension also, as I stated earlier."

"Ostro's pretty good," Morton nodded, "I'll do that."

Dr. Bolstad stammers, "Wow, thank you so much for your cooperation, Morton! You're the best patient of the day so far! But now, you need to get your update on the kooptitis shot."

At this point, Morton gets up and steps away from the doctor.

"Oh no, oh no no no no no! I'm not getting any vaccines, doc!"

The doctor sighed, "I knew it was too good to be true. What is it?"

"Vaccines are dangerous! They are a terrible hazard, and a means for ultimate control by the Mole People who live in tunnels on the Moon!" Morton argued, "Vaccines cause cancer, arthritis, scoliosis, diabetes, autism, lowered IQ, multiple sclerosis, fibromyalgia, Alzheimer's, Lou Gehrig's, cystic fibrosis, Huntington's, schizophrenia, osteoporosis, Parkinson's, cataracts, brain-eating amoebas, bipolar disorder and balance issues! Then the pharmacy companies, ran by the Subterranean Mole People, create "cures" to keep us under their control! It's all about control! It's all about "cures" instead of prevention! Wake up!"

Morton's eyes then widen.

"Wait... You're a Mole person... Disguised as a koopa! GET OFF OUR PLANET, MOLE! CURSED SHAPESHIFTER!"

"Most of those are genetic-"

"No! I read all that in my research! The medical industry is a scam! Vaccines are made to control us! And I refuse to be controlled!" Morton shouted as he exits the room and dashes back towards the lobby.

Dr. Bolstad shakes his head. If the best one of that family is an anti-vaxxer, he has a long day ahead of him.


End file.
